nuclear sunrise (when i won't settle for answers)

My eyes adjust to the light breaking over the valley, but my heart burns without a shield. The world I know tries to tear itself apart at the seams, and all I can do is sigh.

I spent most of the night up here - restless, listless, bored, patient...listening. I brought my laptop onto the roof. What kind of freak takes a laptop to a rooftop. I do, my friends, I do.

It's barely pink now, but I can see it growing ruddier, until it will burst into flame.

A world of scheming and incompetence. A world where those who decieve best make it the farthest, and where no one really expects or fights for the truth. The sorry thing is I don't, either.

I feel like I'm in that scene from V for Vendetta where he orchestrates a fantastic array of explosions to bring down the tower of a corrupted government. Except there is no tower on my horizon. And I'm too tired right now to wake up the world. It's sleeping here right now, though far away, beyond the horizon my eyes can see, schemes unfold with busy hands. It's beyond what I can do right now.

As a girl who always thought that God moves actively in the world, I have a lot to question these days. The best family I've ever known struggles with a ugly, horrific disease and their beautiful example of marriage cannot save it from taking him away from her. What merits redemption Lord? Forgive me if I do not clearly understand why punishment and consequence and chance look so much alike.

For the Highest Authority, this world looks so dismal and bleak. Why did you create it only to let it destroy itself? Why when Moses pled with you did you redeem them? You turned your back on Sodom and Gommorrah, and that I can understand...but what is different today? It's a puzzle to me Lord, so if you are working today, I cannot have any idea what you will do next.

You remind me that I do know one way you work...through eagerly, loving hands that reach out to your people in need, through active minds that though they struggle, delve into your word and run with the messages of service and perseverance that you make very clear.

What's wrong, couldn't you stay awake for one hour? I hear you Lord, but my focus is poor. I am in a place now where I can do good things for the world, but I still feel incapable. What good am I? I fight the self-doubt, struggle to find direction. This struggle may be good for me but I am impatient and feel worthless until I am able to do something good for someone else.

When is it enough? Not enough to make me feel better, not enough to quit...but enough to please you, enough to fulfill the purpose you set for me? Ok, and enough to not be a failure in your eyes, the way I feel in mine.